


Fadings

by GhirianONeal (FreyaOswinOswald)



Series: When in Rome [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lookit with the cryptic shit again, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Not really slice of life, Paranoia, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Time Passes, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 14:25:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15974180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreyaOswinOswald/pseuds/GhirianONeal
Summary: When in need, I run.





	Fadings

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!
> 
> This is my first post ever in this kind of site, so I really don't know what to expect.  
> I just drabble around a bit, but I've always been really insecure whether to post something or not. 
> 
> So of course my first post had to be a spur of the moment kind of thing. 
> 
> I wanted to say something along the line of "be gentle" but that sounds kinky af and I cannot believe I'm kinkshaming myself publicly (I just do it on the comfort of my own mind).
> 
> This is kinda random, but I found out that it actually helps me if I write about it! Just a bit of insight on the first warnings of mental health issues.
> 
> ¡¡¡WARNING AHEAD!!!  
> Beware and alert! This post contains self harm and mental health issues. Please do not procede if you do not want to read about it.
> 
>  
> 
> (English is _not_ my first language, so I'm sorry for the mistakes. Feel free to point it out tho!)

Sometimes, my eyes lose focus and I enter in a blurred version of my world.

It has always terrified me how that happened without any warning. I did not particularly like how I got stuck seeing nothing for a while, just a tiny bit lost, just a tiny bit helpless.

Anyhow, with Time's pacing, I first learnt not to fight it much. It would've always ended sooner than what I'd give it credit for and a struggle would've always led to seconds - _minutes_ \- more of restlessness.

 

Then, I guess, it became more of an escape route.

 

It wasn't conscious, per se. When push came to shove, I subsequently sought the feeling of nothingness to avoid being drowned by the thoughts, by the worries.  
It arrived with a peace that I so desperately needed because it always seemed too much to handle. 

 

I evolved. My psyche and my body shaped themselves to accommodate this now frequent phenomenon. It became easier, so much it was second nature to me, like I was blinking or breathing through my nose.

It evolved, too. The blurred lines of my vision tangled together, creating odd dark shapes at the edge of my eyes. It settled resting into my lungs. A gentle buzz of static followed through the first minutes, making mush of the noises all around.

But as I learnt very early in my still very short life, not everything I deemed good would have followed me without the threat of an early grave. 

These "fadings" as I called them, were the first signs of a very intimidating hot pile of shit. With the arrival of that very heavy host, the fadings too became dangerous. 

They started to feel heavy on the chest, settling so deep into my lungs that I curved and struggled to hold myself together, often becoming lightheaded by the effort. The dark shapes came with a vengeance and much darker than before, almost engraved in my vision, leading to a wild paranoia that lingered even after. The gentle buzz became a harsh and loud ringing of static, so much it _almost_ covered the frantic thoughts that were sizzling wildly from a corner of my brain to another.

I couldn't get lost into my fadings anymore. It became so scary that I had often feared the day when I wouldn't have been found again. I had to find drastic ways to stop myself from slipping away. And of course, being troubled and burdened and downright _broken_ , I found sanity in the clean and organized lines I drew in my skin.

As with Time I lost the only inkling of peace I could've offered myself, a heady type of desperation eased into my brain and straight to my heart.

 

I guess after all, I really did deserve it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Means a lot ❤


End file.
